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CASE STUDY
"Father Marc" •  Spiritual Friendship

Joseph Bachand, MS, Th.D. is Director of Spiritual Formation at SLI.

Father Marc entered into treatment primarily because, on several occasions, he had crossed ministerial boundaries with adult women. In addition, the results of his initial assessment clearly identified that Fr. Marc lacked balance in his life: tending to overwork, not being well connected with friends and family, nor having an adequate support network. Although he had a spiritual director, he would frequently miss appointments because of "ministerial commitments."

In treatment, Fr. Marc, in addition to working with a therapist, meets weekly with a spiritual director. During his last visit, his spiritual director noticed that he was quite anxious and asked Fr. Marc about his anxious demeanor. Fr. Marc broke into tears and said, "I cannot believe how I have exploited people under the guise of spiritual friendship." After reading about several cases of sexual exploitation in the news recently, Fr. Marc had come to realize that he had crossed personal and ministerial boundaries to satisfy his own needs, with little regard for the others involved. Reading these accounts had helped him to see that one of the ways he curried cooperation with the women he abused was to suggest that this was helpful for their spiritual growth; that it was not subject to the same norms of behavior because they were "spiritual friends." He was particularly disturbed by his relationship with a young woman who came to him to talk about her desire to enter a religious congregation. He suggested that permitting him to act sexually with her was a means of allowing Christ into her life. In spiritual direction, Fr. Marc realized that her youthful naiveté was mixed with the idealism that the spiritual life can sometimes engender. He also came to understand that when idealism is betrayed by exploitation, there often is an accompanying tragic impact on the person's spirit and spiritual life.

What About Spiritual Friendship?
In The Changing Face of the Priesthood, Donald Cozzens offers the relationship of Jordan of Saxony and Diana D'Andalo as a model of spiritual friendship. Cozzens makes the point that committed celibates need relationships of intimacy as much as other human beings, but these will honor the commitment to celibacy and not transgress it. The Church celebrates other relationships like this: Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross, Francis and Clare of Assisi, Jane de Chantal and Francis de Sales. Such relationships not only honored the commitment of those involved, but promoted it. What may be obscured at times, however, is the struggle a person faces in the "middle of things," where loneliness, pain, failure and self-doubt all play a part. What, then, might Fr. Marc and each of us do to ensure that the human need for intimacy does not lead to a place of harm for ourselves and others under the guise of a spiritual friendship?

First, Fr. Marc needs to be aware of basic human needs, especially his need for healthy connecting with others, for intimacy. Being aware of the need for connection, accepting intimacy as essential, will help Fr. Marc to take healthier steps to satisfy this need in appropriate ways. Living a balanced life, as well as maintaining relationships of intimacy with family, friends and fellow priests or religious will be essential for Fr. Marc if he is to have healthy personal and ministerial connections with others. Fr. Marc would also benefit greatly by having someone to confide in; someone with whom he can talk about his personal and ministerial relationships and any sexual attractions and/or longings. Talking about attractions with a counselor, spiritual director, best friend, as well as bringing them to God in prayer, will help Fr. Marc maintain clear and healthy boundaries and also meet his relational needs.

Second, Fr. Marc needs to keep his commitment in mind, recalling that it is God's call to which he is responding. Ironically, attention to commitment is not honored in workaholism or perfectionism; rather, it is found in an approach to life and work which recognizes God at the center of all things and remembers who one is in relationship to that call. Workaholism and perfectionism can degenerate into resentment, when a person believes that no one else is "doing it right" or "cares" that I "work so hard." Anyone can rationalize that he/she deserves, among other things, the comfort that physical intimacy seems to afford. With little notice, God has been replaced by "me" at the center, and a relationship of trust and gratitude is replaced by a sense of self-pity and a focus on obtaining "what I need/want." A correlative to keeping the commitment alive is not mistaking celibacy with being single, and therefore "available." A commitment to celibacy helps priests and religious to be available to God, the Church, their religious communities, the people of God - not available for sexual liaisons.

Third, Fr. Marc needs to be clear that the people to whom he ministers are not there to fulfill his needs or to make him happy. Personal needs should be met in one's personal life. If Fr. Marc stays mindful of who he is and his role as helper, and has realistic expectations of himself and others, he will be less likely to act out inappropriately. Our commitment as public ministers is captured in the medical profession's condensation of the Hippocratic oath: do no harm.

Fourth, it will be helpful if Fr. Marc remembers that some days will be easier than others. Being grateful for the easy times and getting help for the difficult ones will assist Marc to live with integrity. No one of us lives life on our own. The very energy that makes us wary of crossing sexual boundaries is the energy that calls us into relationships in the first place. Fr. Marc needs to develop a support network and to take advantage of the support others can offer.

We do not come upon the term "spiritual friendship" very often now. The reality to which it points still exists. Relationships built on a shared experience of faith and the actions of God are important for those who share such a relationship, as well as for so many others who benefit from the witness they give. We also have evidence of the pain and suffering that accrue from the crossing of boundaries, sometimes in the name of spiritual friendship. We are called not to exploit others, but to treasure and safeguard all the relationships that come into our lives.

LUKENOTES is a bimonthly publication of Saint Luke Institute.
Permission to use these materials must be requested in writing by contacting
lukenotes@sli.org

SLI EDUCATION DEPARTMENT
Saint Luke Institute
8901 New Hampshire Ave.
Silver Spring, MD 20903
(301) 422-5499 • (301) 422-5519 (fax)

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