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CASE STUDY
"Jim and Mary/Novices" • Sexual Shame

Lynn M. Levo, CSJ, Ph.D. is Director of Education at SLI.

Jim is 27 years old and beginning his novitiate after having completed a year's candidacy. Jim enjoyed his candidate year, growing in his understanding of his community's charism and his personal call to service. He was pleased that he was able to use his law degree to help homeless persons. The formation team gladly recommended Jim for the novitiate. Since coming to the novitiate, however, Jim has been struggling, especially with his relationships in community.

Jim's novice director has noticed that lately Jim appears controlled, tense and rigid in the way he holds his body and how he is dealing with his emotions. He is less spontaneous, he denies any negative or vulnerable feelings such as loneliness or depressions, and he is isolating himself. He is also uncharacteristically critical of others of late, and has been drinking more. In a recent conversation with his director, Jim indicated that he was considering leaving the novitiate because "it was not working out as he expected." Jim also related that he is struggling with his attraction to another male novice, something he thought would end when he entered the community. Jim said "this is not acceptable" and that he feels dirty.

Mary is also 27 years old and is a first year novice. During her candidate year, Mary was well liked and cooperative. She also was over involved in her ministry, often failing to get enough rest or to eat regularly or properly. She gained significant weight and struggled with both trusting her director and establishing mutual, intimate relationships with the other adult women in her community. Given some of these difficulties, Mary agreed to see a therapist and through therapy realized that she had been sexually abused by a male cousin when she was seven years old. Together with her community, she has decided to continue therapy as she moves into the novitiate.

Sexual Shame
One way to understand what is happening with both Jim and Mary is to understand sexual shame and how it can be at work in formation communities where individuals are encouraged to be reflective, self understanding and disclosing. Shame is an inner sense of being diminished or insufficient as a person; a sense that one is fundamentally inadequate, unworthy or defective. Sexually shame-bound persons experience shame whenever they feel sexual attraction, excitement or consider sexual action. In addition, sexual shame is felt when memories, especially of taboo sexual experiences (e.g., incest), fantasies or interpersonal events trigger them.

Shame creates a need to "cover-up" or hide and it can erupt or show itself in varying ways. Jim's shame may be related to an internalized homophobia, resulting from common hostile or degrading responses to persons whose orientation is predominantly homosexual. This would be particularly true if Jim has a shaming, critical family or has internalized negative beliefs and messages regarding sexual orientation from peers, parents, society and some in the Church. Some of his efforts at control are most likely attempts to mask his shame while his isolating behavior is one way for him to protect himself from re-experiencing feelings of attraction. Attacking others (increased criticism) and drinking are also ways of numbing oneself so as not to feel shame. Since shame can take over a person's healthy sense of self, people who feel shame may become angry and critical of others as one way of adjusting the imbalance of power resulting from sexual shame.

Mary seems to be coping with her shame and sense of degradation by over involvement in activities, over- achieving at her own expense and leaving her own needs unmet. Gaining weight is a means that some women use to protect themselves. In addition, her inability to trust and be intimate, essential elements for community, are likely related to her feelings of inadequacy or defect. Mary's behavior shows how women are likely to "act in" or hurt themselves as they cope with shame.

Other Significant Issues
In addition to sexual shame, Jim and Mary's experiences raise two additional issues: motivation for pursuing religious life and what issues can be addressed in formation.

If a person has not had the benefit of self-disclosure and healing, he/she may choose religious life, consciously or not, as an environment of goodness and discipline in which to atone for their sins and secrets. Others may be attracted to this lifestyle because community living and commitment to celibacy are perceived as means of not dealing with their sexuality and relationships. It is essential, therefore, that persons in formation receive help and support so that they can rebuild self regard and trust, freeing them to pursue a relational and joy-filled life and be able to give authentic service. How to support persons in formation and how to make an appropriate referral are essential skills for formation personnel.

A second consideration relates to the issues a person in formation can address while they are in a formation program. There is no one answer to this question. What is clear however, is that opportunities to unleash sexual shame will help persons in formation reassess their motivations and facilitate meaningful incorporation into community.

LUKENOTES is a bimonthly publication of Saint Luke Institute.
Permission to use these materials must be requested in writing by contacting
lukenotes@sli.org

SLI EDUCATION DEPARTMENT
Saint Luke Institute
8901 New Hampshire Ave.
Silver Spring, MD 20903
(301) 422-5499 • (301) 422-5519 (fax)

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