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CASE STUDY
"Sister Marge" •  Self-Awareness

Lynn M. Levo, CSJ, Ph.D. is Director of Education at SLI.

Sr. Marge is an effective pastoral assistant, who tends to over commit in her ministry and in her family responsibilities. She is liked by the staff at the parish, even though she tends to be moody at times. She has developed a friendship with Ann, one of the staff members, with whom she does some socializing and some personal sharing.

Recently, when Sr. Marge arrived at the parish center, she went to her office without greeting the staff. Later that morning, she barely spoke to Ann when she met her in the corridor. She chose not to join the staff for lunch, preferring to eat lunch in her office. When Ann stopped by to ask how she was, Sr. Marge stated, "I am just fine," clearly indicating that she did not want to talk. Ann sensed that something was wrong, but did not know how to invite Sr. Marge to talk about what was happening in her life.

Sr. Mary, with whom Sr. Marge lives, also has noticed that she has withdrawn from interacting with the other sisters and basically is keeping to herself. Again, when asked by Sr. Mary if anything was wrong, Sr. Marge looked at her with a mix of anger and pain and said, "I don't know what you are concerned about. Can't a person be quiet around here?" It was apparent from this exchange that Sr. Marge did not want to continue this conversation.

Types of Self-Awareness
It is clear that both Ann and Sr. Mary sense by Sr. Marge's behavior and responses that something has happened, something is amiss in her life. Although they are unclear what is prompting her response, they are aware that Sr. Marge is withdrawing, isolating and appears to be shutting down emotionally. Sr. Marge, however, says that she is fine, just being quiet, and seems increasingly annoyed at others' solicitous inquiries.

From outward appearances, it seems as if Ann and Sr. Mary have different impressions of what is happening than Sr. Marge has. They are clear that she is withdrawing and isolating and they are not sure why. Sr. Marge is struggling with her siblings who are asking her to take most of the responsibility for their aging mother which she is not disclosing. Ann and Sr. Mary are aware of the withdrawal, isolation and anger, which from their perspective Sr. Marge seems to be blind to or to deny. In reality, Sr. Marge is coping with this ongoing internal struggle with her siblings that she is ashamed to share. She is angry and frustrated with her siblings and feels caught in their expectations. For Sr. Marge, her siblings' pattern of shifting responsibility to her is a familiar one, one paralyzes her.

Self-Awareness and Growth
A challenge of healthy adult development for Sr. Marge is to come to greater awareness of and comfort with herself, a greater self-intimacy. Most adults experience themselves as complex combinations of different and often conflicting desires, fears and motivations. Psychological development and spiritual growth have as goals a harmonizing of these disparate parts of self. And, as the Whiteheads point out (Christian Life Patterns), this is not a private or self-centered task because it is in our loving and working with others that we are confronted with different aspects of ourselves that invite integration.

Self-awareness involves two critical aspects: recognition of what is happening in the present, as well as an awareness of the events and forces of the past and especially, how they may be impacting the present. Sr. Marge has an opportunity at this time in her life to attend to what is happening and to develop a greater understanding of her current feelings, attitudes, choices, impulses, motivations and behaviors. Rather than ignoring or becoming frustrated or angry with inquiries from Ann and Sr. Mary, Sr. Marge would benefit from their awareness by making time to check with her inner thoughts and feelings.

One of the obstacles to doing her inner work may come from the pace that Sr. Marge keeps. A frenetic pace and over commitment to ministry and family may leave little time for self-reflection and self-understanding. In addition, she may not have learned how to be intimate with self, how to attend to self and especially to her emotional life.

The second focus of self-intimacy, clearly illustrated by Sr. Marge's internal struggle, is her past. For most adults, the past is an accumulation of persons, events and motives, some of which can impact unconsciously the present. For Sr. Marge, there seems to be a history of poor relating with her siblings, frequently related to their differing expectations. Apparently, her siblings have and continue to expect her to assume more responsibility for family. And, it appears that the current expectation regarding the care of her mother has triggered a powerful emotional response that Sr. Marge has difficulty naming and talking about. She seems somewhat overwhelmed by their expectations and continues to be unable to negotiate healthier expectations with her siblings. In this way, the past seems to be repeating itself. In addition, her anger, frustration, sense of powerlessness and isolation/withdrawal are significantly impacting her current ministerial and communal relationships. Her current experience seems linked to past experiences which she seems not to have understood nor handled well. Her past experiences with her siblings are very much linked to her present way of relating to herself and others.

Growing in Self-Awareness
Individuals need to develop their capacity to live intimately with their past so that they can learn how to use its power. The past can contribute its power to the present only when it is befriended and healed (Robert Coles). Sr. Marge would benefit from examining her past, especially the hurt from unrealistic expectations associated with her siblings. She would live a healthier life if she explored alternative responses that lead not to isolation, but connection.

Sr. Marge may also want to consider some of these ways to live more attentively and fully in the now: making time for solitude, attending to her feelings on a regular basis, journaling as a means of dialoguing with herself, finding ways to ask and respond to thoughtful questions, meeting with a spiritual director or therapist, as well as sharing with friends and colleagues.

A little less hypocrisy and a little more tolerance towards oneself can only have good results…for our neighbor for we are all too prone to transfer the injustice and violence we inflict upon our own natures (Carl Jung).

LUKENOTES is a bimonthly publication of Saint Luke Institute.
Permission to use these materials must be requested in writing by contacting
lukenotes@sli.org

SLI EDUCATION DEPARTMENT
Saint Luke Institute
8901 New Hampshire Ave.
Silver Spring, MD 20903
(301) 422-5499 • (301) 422-5519 (fax)

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