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CASE STUDY
"Sister Alice" • Passive Aggressiveness

Lynn M. Levo, CSJ, Ph.D. is Director of Education at SLI.

Sr. Alice has been living in a local community for two years. She has struggled in community for years and has frequently moved, often stating that other sisters expect too much or lack understanding. The sisters who currently live with her are becoming more and more frustrated with her because she continually does not follow through with her commitments to the group (e.g., doing the shopping when it is her turn, being late or forgetting to come to planned house gatherings.) Recently, Sr. Ruth challenged Sr. Alice when she did not purchase what was needed to prepare for a birthday celebration. Sr. Ruth responded angrily to Sr. Alice's "I forgot" and in frustration asked: "You seem to forget a lot when it comes to community. Do you care at all about the rest of us?" Sr. Ruth feels guilty about the exchange and Sr. Alice is now giving everyone in the house "the silent treatment," feeling she was treated unfairly one more time. Sr. Ruth is confused, upset and wonders what she could have done differently.

Anger: Expressed, Hidden or Transformed
It is clear in the above scenario that Sr. Ruth is frustrated and angry with Sr. Alice and that she attempted this time to challenge Sr. Alice to examine her behavior and to change. Sr. Ruth now feels like the aggressor, the angry one, and the cause of Sr. Alice's current withdrawing and sulking.

What might not be as clear is that Sr. Alice is also angry, but in an indirect or passive way. It is not uncommon for women, and also for men, especially ordained clergy and men in religious congregations, to have difficulty dealing with anger in a direct and healthy manner. Many persons have come to see anger as a less than positive life force, a "negative emotion" and have either learned to avoid it, express it passively or to manage it poorly. Sr. Alice's behaviors are really aggressive but acted out in an indirect, passive way.

Many persons have learned to turn their anger into seemingly more socially acceptable, yet at the same time clearly dysfunctional ways of avoiding anger. They try to avoid their anger by placating, shutting down emotionally, behaving compulsively and turning the anger inward. These behaviors often manifest themselves in depression. Passive aggressive behaving, expressing aggression while maintaining a good guy/gal image, is another option, albeit unhealthy and quite damaging to intimate relationships in particular.

Possible Passive Aggressive Actions
Sr. Alice exhibits some classic indirect expressions of aggression: forgetting, not keeping commitments, being late, performing a task poorly or not at all, and blaming her failures on others (sisters expect too much.) Other common acts of passive aggression may include: not returning phone calls or responding to messages, spreading rumors or gossip, couching anger in kind words or jokes, agreeing with someone and then telling others that this person is wrong or that you don't agree, procrastinating, denying feelings (e.g., I am not angry or frustrated) and complaining about or exaggerating one's misfortunes. Since these behaviors in and of themselves may not be hostile or aggressive, it is essential, therefore, to look for patterns of behavior that suggest the intention, conscious or not, to harm.

It is important to understand that those who engage in these behaviors are hostile or aggressive in a passive way; they are not hostile one moment and then kind the next, but rather they are both at the same time.

Who is likely to act passively?
A person who acts passively aggressive is someone who usually has a strong need to be perceived as nice, not defiant, rebellious or angry. It is often true that s/he has also not learned to express anger in a healthy manner. Often persons who are not direct in their expression of anger are trying to avoid conflict or the expression of thoughts and feelings that might be considered negative or socially unacceptable. The individual may also be trying to control situations or people without seeming to be in control. And, fundamentally, passively aggressive persons usually lack the self-confidence to ask for, do and say what they really want and need.It is important to understand that the norms of a particular group are quite influential; if the good sister, brother or priest is defined as never being angry, then it is understandable why in religious congregations and in the presbyterate, there may be passive or indirect expressions of anger.

Some Response Options
It is not uncommon, when you are on the receiving end of passive aggressive behavior, to feel confused, that your buttons are being pushed, and that the blame is being shifted to you. It is likely that you will experience conflict and stress because you intuitively know that what is happening is not straight forward or honest. And you may also respond as Sr. Ruth: an angry confrontation that leaves you feeling guilty and suffering further negative consequences.

Its important not to get drawn into accusing and dragging up old hurts and to remember you are not the problem. When encountering conflict you need to talk factually about the current matter and how you feel, in response to the other's choices. It is usually helpful to indicate clearly that you are confused by the apparent mixed messages and that you want to understand the other.

Because it is important not to let the person off the hook and to help them share their angry feelings directly, creating a safe atmosphere where s/he will feel comfortable sharing his/her feelings with you is essential. Your patience and willingness to listen to the other's problems, issues, concerns, needs and desires will be most helpful in creating a trusting environment where self-disclosure, empathic listening and challenge are present and invite a healthy, mutual exchange.

It is also clear that many persons would benefit from some education on anger, aggression, its direct and indirect expression, and conflict management. Finally, you may need to seek professional help when you reach the limits of your ability to make changes in a particular relationship. This is especially true in long-term relationships where responses to each other may have become automatic.

LUKENOTES is a bimonthly publication of Saint Luke Institute.
Permission to use these materials must be requested in writing by contacting
lukenotes@sli.org

SLI EDUCATION DEPARTMENT
Saint Luke Institute
8901 New Hampshire Ave.
Silver Spring, MD 20903
(301) 422-5499 • (301) 422-5519 (fax)

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