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CASE STUDY
"Sam" •  Learning Empathy Through Pastoral Experiences

Rev. Gerard Kalinowski, Associate in the Education and Spirituality Departments at SLI.

Fr. Tom, is pleased to have Sam do his pastoral year in his parish. He is an affable seminarian who has developed a sound theological background during his seminary training. In the three months Sam has been in the parish, some interpersonal issues have begun to surface. At a recent liturgy committee meeting, Sam became angry with Mary, a team member, who has been grieving the death of her father six months ago. Initially, Sam seemed to provide good support. However, at this meeting when Mary spoke again of the painful gap she continues to experience, Sam became frustrated with the diversion from the agenda and told her they needed to get on with the meeting. While Mary described this encounter to Fr. Tom, Sam did not mention what happened.

Recently, Fr. Tom spoke with Sam about his taking communion to the sick. While the homebound appreciated his visits, they seemed to be perfunctory and quick. Some of the sick parishioners had commented that Sam seemed uncomfortable when talking with them about how they were doing. He always wanted to make a joke or to cheer them up. While meeting with Fr. Tom, Sam responded that he had studied the Eucharist and knew what to do in taking communion to the sick! Later when Fr. Tom asked Sam about what was going on, he responded "I am having a bad day."

Individual Issues
Sam is having trouble interpersonally, especially empathizing with parishioners and staff. Just as other professionals need to be able to respond sensitively to those whom they serve, so too pastoral ministers need to understand the feelings of others if they are going to walk effectively with them. Emotional sensitivity is a reasonable expectation to have for future ministers who walk with people from birth to death, birthdays to weddings. During a candidate's pastoral year, he can be challenged and helped to see how he can improve his empathic capacity. If Sam's responses are left unchallenged, such behaviors may become habitual ways of relating and he will be less effective in his ministry.

Sam needs to be more attentive to how to be with others, being aware and accepting of what others are thinking and feeling as well as his own experience. Men can sometimes see emotions as signs of weakness, especially in a culture which continues to push for men to be seen as strong, and able to go it alone. An attitude of self-reliance could lead to future isolation and loneliness. If Sam is out of touch with his own emotions it follows that he will have difficulty responding appropriately to the emotions of others.

In his visits to the sick, Sam seems unable to identify with the feelings or needs of others. He finds it difficult to accept the other, to allow the other person to be the focus of attention. Sometimes humor, anger or taking a power position, as reflected in Sam's response to the inquiry about communion to the sick, may be used to mask insecurity. Sam might also be frightened by his own unacknowledged pain. Rather than dealing with pain or grief, he may use well learned defenses. Strong emotions such as grief and anger can be difficult for anyone to deal with, especially if they trigger unaddressed feelings and experiences. Encountering these emotions in others may provide an opportunity to deal with one's own feelings and story.

Listening is another skill which involves more than hearing words. Often in interactions between men and women, men often want to solve the problem, do something, whereas for women it is about being heard. Listening involves being attentive, being 'present'. We intuitively know when someone is truly present to us. A listener who interrupts or offers a point of view or solution or who comes with preconceived ideas rather than allowing the person to tell their story is neither empathic nor helpful. Sam needs to learn that listening includes setting aside his perspective and focusing on the other. In his visits to the sick and his work with Mary, Sam seems to want to do rather than be with.

Sam also seems to have difficulty asking for help. Men can often find it difficult to ask for help when cultural messages demand that they have to "have it all together and be in control." If asking for help or talking about difficult encounters are signs of weakness, then not doing so may be how Sam protects himself. How comfortable is Sam with his feelings of vulnerability and powerlessness? Sam may also not be aware that he is not as pastorally effective as he thinks he is. There could also be a systemic issue here of how to help Fr. Tom, his supervisor, be more proactive in his approach with Sam.

Systemic Issues
The pastoral year is a significant time for seminarians to learn experientially about pastoral ministry. It is a learning situation in which no one expects the student to have it all together. Rather it is an environment where students can continue to learn about themselves and to develop their pastoral skills. To enable this to happen it is important for the student to have good supervision, ideally overseen by the seminary, the pastor and staff. The pastor and staff need to be assisted to understand their role and how to give constructive feedback. The pastor's mentoring role is more than being a 'nice guy.' Both Fr. Tom and Sam need to have realistic and clear expectations of what Sam is to be involved in. He is not to be an associate pastor. Fr. Tom is there to support and affirm Sam in the good things he is doing and to challenge him where he needs work. How to give constructive feedback, and how to keep Sam accountable are skills that the seminary has to cultivate in its supervisors. Also, it is the prerogative of the seminary to name areas in which it wishes Sam to develop during his pastoral placement.

Formation programs need to assist a future ordained minister to be a pastor with a good shepherd's heart. Some programs encourage students to participate in some formal supervised ministry like a Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) program to better equip them with essential listening skills and empathy. For ministers to connect with the people with whom they minister, they need to be at home with their own emotions and those of others. Empathy is a relational skill that can be learned and nurtured so that future ministers can authentically be with the people with whom they minister.

LUKENOTES is a bimonthly publication of Saint Luke Institute.
Permission to use these materials must be requested in writing by contacting
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SLI EDUCATION DEPARTMENT
Saint Luke Institute
8901 New Hampshire Ave.
Silver Spring, MD 20903
(301) 422-5499 • (301) 422-5519 (fax)

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