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CASE STUDY
"Father William" • Boundary Issues in Ministry

Fr. William is giving spiritual direction to a young woman named Mary who is earnest in trying to grow in the spiritual life. She is submissive to him and often asks for guidance on what she should do. During the sessions, Fr. William feels himself attracted to Mary and, unlike his relations with other directees, he often gives directions on what he thinks she should do. He justifies this to himself by saying, "she needs someone to help her."

Mary spends an increasing amount of time around the rectory and Fr. William seems always glad to see her and is attentive to her needs. Eventually, she is a dominating presence in the parish and becomes a filter for the priest. No one can see Fr. William without speaking to her first; she "protects" him. He spends an increasing amount of his time with her.

The parishioners are angry that she is in-between them and their pastor. Fr. William is in conflict: he derives much support from the relationship but is feeling increasingly uncomfortable and anxious - he is not sure why. Mary feels sure that she is helping the pastor and believes that she is the one who is called to do so. She feels that the hostility of the people is unreasonable because they do not see how overworked the pastor is and how much he needs her.

Rumors begin to spread that they are having an affair. Fr. William denies it and says that people will always talk. He begins to be increasingly isolated from his friends and parishioners. After a short time, Mary tells Bill that she has fallen in love with him and is sure he feels the same way. He confesses that he is attracted to her and thinks about her often.

Are they in love? What is happening? What should they do? We would like to hear your ideas and comments. Write to us by mail, fax, or e-mail.

Help for "Father William"
In summary, Fr. William and Mary have engrossed themselves in a mutually enmeshed and dysfunctional relationship. It began with minor boundary violations of which neither of them were aware. He treated her differently than the rest of his directees. She spent an increasing amount of time in the rectory. Now, she is controlling a significant part of the priest's life, is a barrier between him and his parishioners, and, to the detriment of his ministry, he is becoming increasingly isolated and passive.

No doubt many of their unmet personal needs have contributed to this relationship. Perhaps Fr. William is a lonely man who feels over-burdened and not cared for. Mary may also be lonely and probably a controlling person who has a need to nurture someone. It is likely that William and Mary are largely unaware of their human needs and the negative way they are attempting to meet these needs in this relationship.

The situation is becoming serious. The parishioners are upset and rumors are flying. The situation is likely to end badly. What should they do? Before the situation deteriorates further, it would be helpful if they could enlist the assistance of an outside counselor or pastoral minister. This person could encourage Fr. William and Mary to re-establish appropriate boundaries and negotiate a healthier relationship. Once boundaries are significantly violated, however, it is difficult to re-establish them.

When this case study is used in workshops with clergy gatherings, many of them confess to knowing a situation just like Fr. William and Mary. It is a very common scenario. What is lacking is an attention to appropriate pastoral boundaries. As the helping professional, Fr. William is the one responsible for maintaining the boundaries. In addition, he missed the clear warning signs -- he was feeling increasingly uncomfortable; she was spending more time around the rectory; and he was attracted to her and treated her as someone special in his life.

Sometimes priests like Fr. William will bring a person like Mary with him when he is transferred from parish to parish. The priest may supplant a parish employee and place this person in the position. The dysfunctional relationship continues in the new parish, and they eventually become a "celibate couple."

The dysfunction, however, is often not recognized by the "couple" and thus may require an external intervention. Parish leaders may be the first to sit down with the priest and speak honestly to him about the situation. Priest-friends may also help Fr. William to find appropriate help. However, it often takes a more forceful intervention by the priest's superiors.

It would be important to care for Mary, as well as intervening and caring for Fr. William. A woman in ministry, perhaps a religious sister or lay female minister, could be a support to Mary during the painful process of transitioning out of the role as Fr. William's protector. Psychotherapy may be indicated. Certainly pastoral support is required. Fr. William, too, will want to be in spiritual direction or counseling himself and learn how to recognize his own needs and get them met in more functional ways. While the situation is potentially destructive for the priest, for Mary, and the entire parish, a speedy intervention and appropriate pastoral and/or therapeutic care for all can help re-establish the balance.

Fr. William, like many of our priests and religious today, might benefit greatly from understanding the nature of professional boundaries. Initial work is being done in some seminary formation programs but the subject is complex and subtle, often requiring much more work and a higher degree of awareness.

Many traps and pitfalls exist in ministry. There are also many joys and blessings. It is essential for those engaged in church ministry to be trained in the subtleties of professional boundaries so that a good minister is not lost and our parishioners are graced by our presence, not hurt.

LUKENOTES is a bimonthly publication of Saint Luke Institute.
Permission to use these materials must be requested in writing by contacting
lukenotes@sli.org

SLI EDUCATION DEPARTMENT
Saint Luke Institute
8901 New Hampshire Ave.
Silver Spring, MD 20903
(301) 422-5499 • (301) 422-5519 (fax)

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