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Gratitude: Helps and Hindrances

Peter Ellsworth, MS, NCC
Vol.II, No. 5
November/December 2003

Recent studies have shown that people who describe themselves as feeling grateful to others and God tend to have more vitality and optimism, suffer less stress reactions and are less likely to be depressed. In addition, grateful people tend to suffer less anxiety about status or the accumulation of possessions and are more likely to appreciate the interconnectedness of all life. It is also true that currently, gratitude does not finish high on the list of sentiments that men and women are encouraged to cultivate. What then impedes our receptivity to gratitude? Three possibilities present themselves: attachments on the intrapersonal level, fear of intimacy on the interpersonal level, and a sense of deprivation on the communal level.

Attachments are the thoughts, feelings, things and constructs that a person hangs onto which create suffering. And suffering can interfere with the practice of gratitude. Although some suffering is inherent to being human (e.g. illness and death), much of what people suffer is created through their insisting that life go according to their preferred story. When anything happens contrary to this story, it is interpreted as problematic and happiness is not thought possible without the object of one's desires. However, we are not our attachments, and we do not need to believe in them or react to them. Through a practice known as "mindfulness" we can wake up to this distortion, as well as to our potential for gratitude. Mindfulness involves the deliberate and non-judgmental observation of our moment-to-moment experience; one notes whatever thoughts, feelings, and perceptions arise in one's experience without judgment. By looking at one's life with open eyes, a person can see that s/he has much to be grateful for and can even be humbled by his/her rich life. This effort is often facilitated by returning to an observation of one's breathing occurring in the present moment.

The currency of a life lived in authentic relationship with another is gratitude. As such, the exchange of thanks and impediments to this exchange are worth identifying. Hearing the words, "Thank you" from another can invite a range of emotions, including suspicion, unworthiness, guilt, fear, and anxiety. "If you only knew the real me" or "What does this person really want?" are frequent internal refrains provoked by another's words of thanks. Expressions of gratitude indicate that one has been recognized and appreciated. The exchange also suggests an invitation into relational intimacy and therefore entails the risks and fears involved in self-revelation. When aspects of our self are unveiled and made tangible through words of thanksgiving, the prospect of pain through loss gains salience and may constrain receptivity to gratitude. Curiosity and a willingness to step outside of one's comfort zone, can begin to open one up to the prospect of intimacy with others. How a person handles gratitude is one indication of the degree of his/her availability to insight, authentic expression, healing and intimacy with another.

We all hold ideals about how our communities and the broader world should be and these are frequently at odds with reality. This felt gap creates a sense of deprivation, chronic dissatisfaction, and a consequent craving for something more which may take the form of a different ministry, vocation, relationship, community, history, or self. Once attained, "more" ends up never being enough, and a sense of deprivation persists. Caught up in this unceasing pattern and illusion of craving and dissatisfaction, we forget the reality that pain and suffering are directing us toward greater self-realization and selfless compassion. One way to establish a more balanced context is derived from the Japanese practice of Naikan, a word that means "looking inside." Through this practice one asks three questions that can be applied to particular relationships or events: What have I received? What have I given? What troubles and difficulties have I caused? The purpose of these questions is not to promote guilt or self-recrimination, but rather to generate non-evaluative inquiry into our lives in a manner that balances obstacles with support, and our needs with others' needs. The result of such an inquiry is frequently a greater appreciation of the continuous blessings that life issues forth in our lives, awareness of which may have previously gone unnoticed. With a worldview receptive to what life is offering, as opposed to what life is denying, one can begin to understand that our assumptions, not life, generate disappointment and dissatisfaction. Gratefulness is related to a fuller awareness.

Being attentive to one's present internal and external experiences without judgment; being curious about one's fears of intimacy; and reflecting on the gifted nature of life can vastly expand one's perspective. In the process, thoughts, emotions, suffering, and loss, whatever these may be, are normalized and indeed valued as part of the fullness and integrity of life. Literal and evaluative language spoken interiorly, relationally, and communally can reduce and eliminate a "wakefulness" to the abundance of our lives and the scope of our abilities. Our rejection of a life lived with deliberation and presence is manifested in the frenetic activity of our days, the materialism of our culture, the trivialization of intimacy, and the fervor of our addictions. We need to add to our repertoire of awareness, reflection, and behaviors so that we can recontextualize all that we are, our falls and our risings, our joys and our sorrows. No doubt many feelings will arise in this progression towards more authentic life, not the least of which will be gratitude.

Peter Ellsworth is a Continuing Care Therapist at SLI.

LUKENOTES is a bimonthly publication of Saint Luke Institute.
Permission to use these materials must be requested in writing by contacting
lukenotes@sli.org

SLI EDUCATION DEPARTMENT
Saint Luke Institute
8901 New Hampshire Ave.
Silver Spring, MD 20903
(301) 422-5499 • (301) 422-5519 (fax)

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