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Demythologizing Forgiveness

Michael J. Brenneis, Ph.D., LCPC
Vol. IV No. 4
September/October 2000

The gospels tell us that the disciples asked Jesus how many times they were obligated to forgive others. They must have been taken aback when Jesus said that they ought to forgive, not just seven times (the number often associated with God's power and omnipotence), but seventy times seven! It is quite likely that when we think of the professional and personal conflicts in which we are involved, forgiving seventy times seven seems just as insurmountable to us as it must have to those first persons who heard Jesus' words. However, if we draw on the recent findings of psychology, a Johnny-come-lately in the study of forgiveness, we may find some help in better living out this gospel imperative.

Everett Worthington explains the forgiveness dilemma in terms of the need to overcome what he calls the fear conditioning process; that is, when we are hurt by someone, our brain records that memory and organizes us to avoid being exposed to that same injury a second time. This very adaptive ability explains why you do not have to tell a small child to avoid a hot stove once they have touched it. We have survived for millions of years by remembering what has hurt and by avoiding it.

People who have hurt us in some way are no exception. After the hurt, we would prefer not to see them. When we perceive the potential for more hurt, for example, when we see a person who has offended us, our body's stress response system is engaged. We attempt to avoid the person, and if we cannot, perhaps because we have to work with them in some capacity, we turn to what Worthington calls "defensive fighting." We try to do just enough to push the person away, so that they do not come close enough to hurt us again. If our defensive fighting does not work, we will submit, much as dogs do when they turn on their backs and show their bellies to a stronger animal or a human that cannot be defeated. For humans, submission often expresses itself as depression.

It is not helpful to tell ourselves that we ought to love the person or that there was really not an offense after all, because once the person is already associated with hurt or offense, we will have an avoidant reaction whether we want to or not. It is better to undergo a process by which we redefine that person in our awareness such that they are no longer associated with pain.

THE PROCESS OF FORGIVING
Psychological research is beginning to define how the forgiveness process works, and to suggest some approaches that seem to be quite effective. First, it is necessary to acknowledge the offense and the pain that it has caused. Thus, forgiving is not condoning the act, denying the act, or minimizing the act. While many people resort to these choices and believe these are ways of forgiving, in fact, these approaches are more likely to increase a person's anger and avoidance over time, not lessen it. However, if we acknowledge the offense, and accept our responses to it, we are making a start at forgiving the person. In other words, there has to be a problem before there can be a solution.

Second, we have to acknowledge the effects that the offense is having on us. And we need to be aware of the characteristic ways we cope with the painful experiences of life. It is important to acknowledge the impact of the offense and to get support from others to help us cope with the struggle.

Finally, the single most important part of the process is to use our imagination to put ourselves in the place of the offender and attempt to imagine what the situation might have looked like from the other's perspective. Research indicates that if we use our imagination to think about how the other might have seen it, and stay with this for a while, we may soon start feeling what the other might have been feeling in that situation. When we feel what it must have been like for another person in the midst of a conflict, we are experiencing empathy, the single most important component of the ability to forgive. Understanding leads to empathy, and empathy leads to compassion.

Does that mean we excuse or deny the event? Absolutely not! What it means is that we can understand how it could happen. When we do that, we begin to reconnect with the person who has offended us and we change the image of the person from a source of pain to an understandable person for whom we might eventually experience some positive feeling. Robert Enright points out that if we are able, through our imagination, to understand how the other person could have done what they did, whether we like/agree with it or not, we can experience empathy for them. Eventually we may find out that we too have been motivated by the same fears, angers, or needfulness that may have been motivating them. Suddenly, we find that we are not as different from them as we initially felt.

Researchers agree that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation, but that it provides a foundation on which reconciliation can be built. Forgiveness is releasing the offending person from the debt we feel they owe us because of what they have done, and allowing our negative feelings, thoughts, and behaviors to change gradually to positive ones; that is, we change internally. The relationship may or may not be restored. However, if it is not restored, it does not become something that we continue to carry and stew about for the long term. And, if the other person should repent and seek reconciliation, we are available for it. At minimum, we are likely to become less anxious, less angry, and less depressed than we were, and we can do this purely through an internal process of acknowledging our experience and using our imagination to redefine our experience.

Jesus must have understood this process quite well, as he was able to say, "Forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing." This statement expresses the whole process that I have been discussing. When I can see that others do not understand or are confused, or "they would not do this if they really understood," I do not reject them and I do not cut myself off from them. This is forgiveness. It is not magic, but it works.

Michael J. Brenneis, Ph.D., LCPC is a therapist at SLI.

LUKENOTES is a bimonthly publication of Saint Luke Institute.
Permission to use these materials must be requested in writing by contacting
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