Anger, an emotion that touches virtually every aspect of our lives, is often misunderstood, characterized as unhealthy and destructive, and as such is often suppressed, denied, and avoided.  Anger, as with all emotions, is normal and neither good nor bad. Where fear invites you to protect yourself, anxiety to prepare yourself, pain to comfort or heal yourself, anger invites you to look at who you are, what you  need, and how these needs can best be met.

It is helpful to understand how you experience anger and how you respond to your anger.  First, anger is experienced in your body, thoughts, mood, and behavior.  The release of hormones from the thyroid, pituitary, and adrenal glands may produce elevated heart rate and blood pressure, perspiration, dilation of air passageways in the lungs, increased oxygen consumption, increased skeletal muscle tension, decreased gastrointestinal activity, and increased metabolic rate.  Put simply, when you are angry you often breathe harder, your heart beats faster, and you may feel pain or tightness in your stomach, head, back or chest.  Anger may also involve a quick succession of thoughts such as "He is trying to hurt me," or  "That is unjust," or "She can't do that to me."   With anger, you may also feel sad, anxious, agitated, or frightened.  Finally, when angry you might impulsively or reflexively scream, strike out aggressively, run away, freeze, or withdraw into silence. 

No matter how you experience anger, you feel uncomfortable. And, you can perpetuate and exacerbate this discomfort by the choices you make. Ineffective responses fall into two categories: responses that seek to avoid anger at all costs and responses that express anger in dysfunctional and unconstructive ways. You can avoid anger by repressing feelings, getting sick, experiencing chronic depression or anxiety, emotional-distancing, and over or under-functioning for another. Dysfunctional and unconstructive expressions of anger include blaming, complaining, trying to change the other, fighting a false issue, or venting.  Avoiding anger suggests that your own feelings are not important, are threatening, are wrong, and are possibly evil.  When anger is expressed poorly,  there is no increase in self-awareness and nothing constructive occurs.  In both types of response, the invitation posed by the emotion of anger to progressive growth and transformation is denied. 

By examining and understanding how you deal with anger, you can make better choices. First, within the physical realm you can reduce bodily arousal through regular exercise, proper nutrition, relaxation techniques, sufficient sleep, the use of "time-outs," avoidance of neurotoxins found in alcohol and cigarettes, and a balanced work schedule. Second, within the cognitive realm, you can challenge the negative "self-talk" that often accompanies anger (e.g., I am a failure or it is all my fault.) Using positive self-statements before, during, and after arousing experiences, affirms your sense of control, clarity, and constructive change. Third, it is useful to identify how your mood shifts when you are angry. Getting underneath your anger by asking yourself what else you are feeling (e.g., sad, fearful, or agitated) can lead you to a better understanding of what you are experiencing.  Additionally, it is important to keep in mind that anger, like all emotions, follows the law of rising, falling, and disappearance; anger is not a static state and it will dissipate. Fourth, identifying your behavioral responses when you are angry can invite you to more effective ways of behaving. For example, if you tend to retreat into silence, becoming more communicative and assertive and using "I" statements are better alternatives.   Conversely, if your tendency is to lash out at another when angered, becoming less impulsive and blaming, and more receptive to the position of the other would be more productive and enhancing of relationships.  We cannot change others directly, however, we can effect changes in our relationships with  others by changing ourselves.   

Raising awareness of anger and changing responses help you to reduce the distress that promotes distortion and paralysis and increase your access to growth promoting pain which motivates you to become more knowledgeable about your internal and external environment and responses.  In this manner, it is possible to attain emotional and intellectual freedom to make healthy life choices and meet your needs. Anger is uncomfortable and this pain can serve a valuable purpose - it gets your attention and it gets you moving in the right direction.


Responding to the message of anger with curiosity and courage facilitates your ability to cope with the demands of life, care for yourself and others and meet your goals.   Anger engenders transformation if you listen and respond to it in an effective manner. This is best achieved when you discover what anger looks like in your body, thoughts, mood, and actions, observe ineffective responses to anger, take action to reduce reactivity to anger and counterproductive pain and identify what underlies your anger. These steps can help you to disentangle from learned ineffective responses, open yourself to your true potential and reclaim boundaries and your individuality. 

In time, greater emotional calm, a well-defined sense of boundaries, and intellectual objectivity will provide the freedom to exercise your core beliefs, values,  and priorities.  Equipped with the capacity to use this "inner guidance system," you can enter into healthy intimate relationships where you and others are separate, equal, mutual and open.

Peter Ellsworth is a Continuing Care Therapist at SLI.